How I see myself has changed
The Love of Yeshua works wonders
For much of my life this was my interior self-image
It had very little to do with how others saw me. It was the delusion of a small child who had become dependent upon His Father. It didn’t matter that from outside I was a shunned man on the far side of middle age. I knew that my King truly liked me, and that was actually stunning to me.
Outside of my wife, no one else did—and she had truly married a weird one. I now regret many of the things I put her through. But the Lord had matched us well. By grace, we were able to force each other to grow in the Lord. We both believed that the Lord had put us together to enable each other. Our relationship was often stormy, but it was an immense blessing because of our center, Yeshua Messiah.
My self-imposed image as a scout of the King helped
It gave me an explanation for my daily experiences. Not so much in the world, but in the Church. The first twenty years of my walk in the Lord were spent trying to fit into the church. But it was obvious that I didn’t fit.
So, I did what I could—what I was allowed to do. But increasingly, my life was defined by my private conversations with my King and best friend. With Him I could be honest, and He could be honest with me in return. What a joy that was—and is.
Because the walk of faith precludes conversations with my King, I worked hard as He showed me a method by His Spirit where I could verify answers to simple questions that I asked Him. In His wisdom, the Holy Spirit showed me a method that I learned to rely upon—while always keeping it an act of faith.
I shared it with my wife, but it didn’t work for her at all. However, she gradually accepted that He had showed me a way to get instructions that were Godly and true. She learned to trust the Lord in me. While this was going on I was learning that I cannot trust me.
Learning about the curse of a brilliant mind
One of the things I have learned is that some of the most difficult trials a human can have come from being beautiful, talented, rich, or smart. I’ll just use those four, though there are obviously many more personal attributes which cause this trouble.
I remember Pat exclaiming, “I don’t care how smart you are. You have no common sense.” That was true. I had an incredibly high IQ. However, I was extremely idealistic. But it got much worse than that. I discovered that many things that were obvious to me and my mind were simply incorrect. The Lord started pointing things like this out to me as I finally began to accept how messed up I was.
I had great distain for people who did things which were obviously stupid (to me). The Lord began showing me that even though I was correct about them, things that were obvious to me were just as stupid. In fact, many things that I accepted as obvious fact were immensely delusional.
Having a good computer did not imply wisdom
The Holy Spirit painstakingly showed me about filling my mind with beauty and wisdom. I began to see that my scripture study was excellent food that provided a background of wisdom IF I asked for it. As an artist I had been trained to fill my mind with beauty. Actually, the beauty was my idea. The college courses wanted me to fill my mind with their idea of reality.
Natural intelligence is much more dangerous than AI
We were taught that artists were the prophets of mankind. And, that we are responsible to be aware of what is going on so we can create images which explain or share those things. As I came down from my rage about what was happening in “reality”, the Lord was showing me about Biblical Reality. I learned that Truth was a person—my King Yeshua. He also created Beauty.
I learned that success was defined by my relationship with the Lord. Without that relationship I was a failure—no matter what I was doing. In the Messiah, I was a success, and what I was doing changed.
The amazing blessing of being widowed
When Pat got to go home in December of 2019, I was cut adrift in grief. By grace I turned hard toward Jesus. His love saved me from myself. The five years from January 2020 to January 2025 were the best years of my life.
Jesus directly discipled me 9am to 11pm, 24-7-365. I increasingly became a hermit. I was free to do whatever He asked me to do. The tool He used was teaching me how to write fiction. There I could write stories about how things should work in the Kingdom—as I saw it. Doing that revealed huge understandings where I was in error, foolish, or stupid. He enabled me to see myself on a whole new level. We became very close.
The King’s Scout has become a blessed memory
Now, my King is telling me that it is time to get back into the world. I’m moving to a senior independent living high-rise in a week. I sold over 90% of the stuff Pat and I owned. I made enough to afford the move. Yeshua has told me it is where He wants me, and that it will be a good thing for me.
At nearly 52 years old in the Lord, that’s enough for me. Alleluia.
Hi Uncle David, my mom sent me this article to check out your writing. Who knew you have such a way of articulating your thoughts in clear and logical way. I am glad to learn more about your life and your last 6 years after your Pat died.
I also have a substack I started in June, if you want to check it out. Your writing is so well organized and flows well. I could learn from you editorial skill.
https://open.substack.com/pub/mayallbeone/p/may-all-be-one?r=5v4u6a&utm_medium=ios
Hey, a very insightful read and honest reflection on marriage and life, I too don’t fit in with church as in buildings and found myself sitting at home with the Lord and my husband . I thought that when I came to Christ recently I would be instantly changed but I’m now learning about the refiners fire and the decrease of me and increase of Yeshua. Great post!.